How to Save a Marriage

In order to be able to save a marriage you must want to and be committed to saving it. It’s a bit like most things, if you take a half hearted, non-committal approach then the likelihood is that you’ve already become resigned to failure, you won’t put the effort in and you won’t be able to save the marriage.

So rule number one when looking to save a marriage, be sure that it is what you want and that you are 100% committed to getting a positive result.

It does surprise me the number of marriages that fail due to an apparent lack of effort and yet, once the divorce has gone through and the need arises to start all over again people will go that extra mile to find another partner. Humans are generally gregarious creatures, they don’t normally like to be on their own so why then, if people are prepared to put the effort into dating don’t they apply the same level of effort to their marriage? A difficult one to answer I know but it has to be said that if we all spent just 25% of the time on our marriage compared to the time we spent finding our spouses in the first place a lot more marriages could be saved. This theory just compounds rule number one, it takes time and effort to save a marriage.

In direct contrast to popular belief it isn’t men who seek divorce it is more often the women. That is not to say the blame should be laid at the women’s door because they often seek divorce as a result of their husbands infidelity, or other behaviours that are almost impossible to live with such as physical, alcohol or substance abuse.  In order to save such marriages, and not all can be saved, you have to tackle the route cause of the problem, the major contributing factor to why the marriage is failing. There is no point in trying to save a marriage by focusing on what your partner does when he is drunk for example it’s just as a result of the real cause, the alcohol itself. To save the marriage you have to sort the drinking which is the root of the problem and not focus too heavily on what happens as a result of the drink.

If you want to learn more about how to tackle alcohol or substance abuse go to: 

health.org or alcoholism.about.com/ or for more advice on how to break any habit go to:  http://www.commonmarriageproblems.marriagehealth.com/Break_any_Habit.html

When looking to save a marriage you have to realise that no matter what I say, how many books you read, how many forums you join or whatever form of marriage counseling you choose there is only one person that has the power to save your marriage and that one person is YOU.

Obviously you can’t control your partner and you don’t always have the ability change their behaviour but you do have control over how you choose to respond. If you think about the theory that children from abusive families become abusers themselves then it is easier to understand that the way you react to your partner will have a direct impact on your relationship and how you respond to each other. If you continually yell at your children or continually hit your dog more often than not they will just become immune, learn to accept it and still do what they want anyway. The same in a marriage, if your first response is attack then that forms the basis of a continuing process that can spiral out of control.

If your partner is out to rile you but they don’t get the reaction they are expecting then the odds are they will give up or a least calm down a lot quicker. If you choose to discuss and issue on the back of a row what are the odds that you will sort the issue out? Next to none, when tempers are running high it is far more difficult to see someone else’s point of view with each partner seeing who can shout the loudest in order to be heard. The net result is to achieve a step backwards, with each partner even more frustrated, than a step forwards. That leads us to another golden rule that needs to be applied if you want to save a marriage: if you have an issue you want to resolve, only discuss it when you both have time, and are in calm, receptive moods and never try and throw something into the pot on the back of an argument.

And at the end of the day you even have the power to control an argument. Your spouse needs you to be involved, if you choose not to be, instead opting to talk to them once they have calmed down, what are the chances of an argument unless they decide to argue with themselves!!

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